My five favourite noises

Brick doesn't know what we're yelling about.

Brick doesn’t know what we’re yelling about.

Brick likes loud noises. But we’re not here today to discuss volume, else this’d just be a list championing bands in student bars. We’re here today to discuss those noises that give me a little shiver of delight, at any decibel. So, without further ado, here they are.

  1. The slide whistle. An instrument? That sounds like it’s asking a question? How could anything be more delightful?
  2. The thwack of a tennis ball hitting the centre of the racquet.
  3. Rain hitting a canvas awning.
  4. The little rattle-poh-poh-poh-till when a golf ball is putted in.
  5. The Universal dah-dah-DAHHHH at the beginning of a movie.

Of course, these noises wouldn’t always give me that shiver of delight. Context is key, and there are some situations where even my favourite noise wouldn’t make me smile:

  1. The slide whistle being implanted into your throat so every time you breathe it goes upPPPP and DOOWwn. And then your friends stop talking to you because you’re the creepy whistler breather person.
  2. The thwack noise of a tennis ball hitting the centre of the racquet then hitting the centre of your head. Thwack-racquet. Thwack-noggin.
  3. Rain hitting a canvas awning while you’re standing outside your house trying to find your keys. And then the canvas awning breaks, probably because your Dad bought it on special and then didn’t install it properly because he got distracted by the cricket score.
  4. The little rattle-poh-poh-poh-tell of when a golf ball is putted in. But you’re out playing mini golf on an awkward date and it’s only the first hole and that little rattle-poh-poh-poh-tell just rams it home that you have 18 more of these and this guy took ten goes to get the first one in and oh god I’m not laughing at his Apu impressions so why does he keep doing them?
  5. The Universal dah-dah-DAHHHH at the beginning of a movie. Twist: the movie is Jaws: The Revenge.
Jaws: The Revenge of Bad Cinema

Jaws: The Revenge of Bad Cinema

Subtle signs that you have angered the universe

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell if the universe is pissed at you. If your boyfriend dumps you via email the same day you get told you didn’t get the job… yep, it’s mad. If you twist your ankle the night before you’re supposed to go on an island holiday… yep, it’s angry. If you try to jump the gorge and end up falling down the side instead, then the helicopter smacks your head repeatedly into rocks, then you slide out the back of the ambulance and back down the gorge… dude, your karma is no good here.

The universe is definitely not happy with Homer.

The universe is definitely not happy with Homer.

But maybe the universe is just a teensy bit angry at you. Maybe you aren’t lucky enough to be getting these huge, proper signs, and you have to infer that you’re in trouble from the little ones.

As always, you can count on me for help.

Sign One: Bathroom Bewilderment
Let’s not beat around the bush (pun intentional). We all have our favourite toilet stall at work. The one where the seat is at perfect height, the paper is on the right side, and you feel like you’re at a good proximity to the door. The Goldilocks of all possible options open to you. But when you go to the bathroom, someone else is in your stall. You have to use another one.

Sign Two: Milk Mix-Up
You rinse out your work coffee mug. Put in a teaspoon of instant coffee. Then another half spoon, for luck. Maybe some sugar (unless you’re sweet enough already, hyuck hyuck). Go to pour in the milk. There’s a dribble left in the bottle. Will it be enough? No. No, it won’t be enough. The contents of your mug are a darker tan than you like. You have to go all the way over to the fridge to get a new bottle. 

Sign Three: Photo Furor
You and your friend are taking some photos of yourselves. You smile, iPhone 4 flash goes, and you check the preview. Your hair is slightly askew. You take another. You smile, iPhone 4 flash goes, and you check the preview. Your hair looks a bit better. She hems and haws. She decides she likes the first one better, and puts it on Facebook. She deletes the second one.

Have you experienced any of these recently?

If so, it might be time to assess your karma. 

You’re obviously doing something wrong.

Things you can’t do with a tractor

Because sometimes it is nice to appreciate something while still accepting its limitations.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It was driving down the road and then suddenly turned into a field.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It was driving down the road and then suddenly turned into a field.

  1. perform open heart surgery on an obese gentleman
  2. raise a flock of ducklings after their mother is killed by sadistic child
  3. make a compelling documentary about human morality throughout the ages
  4. accidentally raise the dead by discovering the Necronomicon in your grandfather’s attic
  5. retrieve the watch of a loved one in a deep-sea diving adventure.

Note: this list is by no means comprehensive.