Witness my Fitness

As I type this, all of me hurts. I shouldn’t hurt, I’m in high luxury. I am sitting in my bright yellow IKEA chair with my feet up, windows open, in a British bathrobe. I don't mean to imply that the Brits make a specific different sort of bathrobe, like in your head you’re wondering…

My Phone-Free Commute

A man swore at me the other day on the street. I was walking home and I was stuck in a particularly tense moment of Plants vs Zombies and he muttered “FUCKing stupid” as he walked past, a real emphasis on the FUCK and almost none on the ‘ing’. I can only assume this was…

Potato Tornados I Have Known and Loved: Part Two

Part One of this absurd love poem is here! 2016 I’m monogamous. I mean, I’ve dabbled with other forms of relationships, who hasn't? But I have only one answer to "Let's share a tornado". No. Never. Look, if you want “one” (meaning not the unit of the tornado itself, which clearly is “one” on its…

The Modern-Day Edison

Every once in a while I have a brainwave, and I invent something so perfect for humanity, so wonderfully puzzle-pieced into a key human need, that I’m amazed it hasn’t been invented already. Except it already has. Recently I came up with the idea of making toast, and then turning the toast - wait for…

Mediations on Meditation: Part 2

If you didn’t read part 1, go have a look here; but in short, I am meditating now. Look, I didn’t INTEND to buy a full year subscription to the Headspace app. On the purchase screen it said something about $12 a month, and I thought gosh, that’s good value innit, I’d pay that for…