Sunday Husband

Julia and I drove back from the Mornington Peninsula today, stopping for some selfies in front of some landmarks without reading anything about why they were landmarks, then getting back in the car for more TLC and Ginuwine and Christina Aguilera. We talked at length, of course. Endless chat. What topics did we cover? Well,…

Travel Diary from the Mornington Peninsula

I am writing this from Mornington Peninsula, on my second daytime-beer, after spending a few hours in hot water. My brain is warm and mushy after being marinated it in caffeine and alcohol and minerals, just like how our forebearers used to live. What will we blog about today? Who knows. Let’s just talk and…

Witness my Fitness

As I type this, all of me hurts. I shouldn’t hurt, I’m in high luxury. I am sitting in my bright yellow IKEA chair with my feet up, windows open, in a British bathrobe. I don't mean to imply that the Brits make a specific different sort of bathrobe, like in your head you’re wondering…

My Phone-Free Commute

A man swore at me the other day on the street. I was walking home and I was stuck in a particularly tense moment of Plants vs Zombies and he muttered “FUCKing stupid” as he walked past, a real emphasis on the FUCK and almost none on the ‘ing’. I can only assume this was…

Going Fishing

Back when I was first dating online there were like, seven men in my area to choose from. You had to sit down at your computer to make your profile, and your profile pic was taken on your shitty webcam. You’d read everyone’s (in-depth) profiles meticulously and select people after you truly felt like you’d…

Potato Tornados I Have Known and Loved: Part Two

Part One of this absurd love poem is here! 2016 I’m monogamous. I mean, I’ve dabbled with other forms of relationships, who hasn't? But I have only one answer to "Let's share a tornado". No. Never. Look, if you want “one” (meaning not the unit of the tornado itself, which clearly is “one” on its…

Potato Tornados I Have Known and Loved: Part One

2014 My first was in Kingston Riverside in London. I wasn't expecting him to show up, how could I? I wasn’t enough of an optimist that I could have even conceived of the very idea of him. When I first made eye contact, I thought he must be too good to be true. Is that…

The Modern-Day Edison

Every once in a while I have a brainwave, and I invent something so perfect for humanity, so wonderfully puzzle-pieced into a key human need, that I’m amazed it hasn’t been invented already. Except it already has. Recently I came up with the idea of making toast, and then turning the toast - wait for…

How to Pick Up Men at the Supermarket

I’ve been on the dating apps now for a few months, and thus I now consider myself an expert in the field. I know which way to swipe. I’ve got witty openers. I can tell you with near perfect accuracy which ones are huuuuuge fans of Joe Rogan’s podcast. Despite my newfound skillset, sometimes I…

The Day We Caught the Train: Part 2

Catch up on Part 1 here, if you missed it! Now. Where we were? Ahh, yes. We were at the brewery, having snuck in for two unauthorised tours (some might technically call it ‘trespassing’). We were drunk. And then the brewery closed, or we grew bored? Hmm. I don’t know. Isn’t the past bonkers?! When…