Haiku reviews of public bathrooms: Great India

Welcome to a series in which I review public bathrooms in haiku form.

Previous editions: Fork & BrewerCourtenay Place public toilets | Fringe Bar

A critic on the can.
A critic on the can.

The service here’s great
With waiters in crisp white shirts
All “yes ma’am”, “no sir”.

Taking our orders
Our waiter murmurs questions
Voice low and soothing.

His words float gently
It’s the speech equivalent
Of a warm cuddle.

Rising from my seat
I saw the theme continued
When looking for loos.

I’ve barely stood up
When there’s a man by my side
Ready to assist.

He whispers softly
Discreet toilet directions
“Second on the left”.

The bathroom is small
There’s no room to swing a cat
(If you’re into that.)

No lock on the door
Forget my Nana’s advice
Of “always knock first”.

I fling it open
Making instant eye contact
With the occupant.

In a flustered garbled speech
While retreating out.

Now I am squeezed in
Waiting to apologise
(Once is not enough).

It’s defo awkward
Squeezing past a strange woman
I just saw peeing.

Later in the night
I overhear her talking
—she’s seeing a play.

It makes me feel weird
I remain a mystery
Yet I know her well.

Briefly consider
Just offering her secrets
To correct balance.

“Hello strange woman,
I wet my pants on school camp
I was nine years old.”

Decide against it
It is probably much worse
Than just shutting up.

1 thought on “Haiku reviews of public bathrooms: Great India”

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